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Wednesday, June 28, 2017

When anguish falls in your lap...

This is not a post of complaint or of whoa-is me, but a post that comes form the heart of grieving grandma, grief is not only for times of death, it also strikes in times of tragedy and illness and when what was normal is taken away and replaced with something that is scary, confusing
and may never go away.... and it involves someone who is part of my heart.

1 year old today my Grandson's life changed forever.
Last year several weeks after diagnosis.
That life change trickled down to his parents, sister, and extended family.
Type 1 diabetes happens to innocence, and there is nothing you can do to
 prevent it or heal it, although
I do believe in a God of miracles and I'm hopeful for
a cure through the research being done for T1 diabetes.
* * * * * * * *
Afflictions and heartbreaks are different for Everyone.
When all seems hopeless, when anguish falls in your lap, what's left?

One year ago in a small ER in Northern Minnesota....
When struck with sudden tragedy... anger, anxiety, sadness and disbelief settle in around and a storm begins to brew. It's a slow moving storm, the kind that rumbles intermittently in the background.
That sound is fading and peace is starting to work its way back into my soul.
It's been a year since his diagnosis, but I'm still caught off guard when panic sneaks up on me and
out of no where comes a sudden audible gasp followed by sobs of heartache?
I find myself asking why? "Why did sweet little Carson get such a horrible disease"?
After all, I've been praying since before he was born for God to keep him safe and
 protect him from horrible accidents and diseases!
Yes, those have always been my exact words,
 I prayed this everyday for all my grandchildren.

I know it's ok to ask God why? He wants us to come to Him with our questions,
but I quickly ask God for something else,
 "Please Lord, remove the power of darkness from my surroundings because
 I believe he (the evil one) is stirring up my delicate grandma heart
and causing me to question your goodness".
As I pray calmness settles in and the sobs become praise in knowing that God is good.
 I have some work to do, but I'm getting there.
At first, when I was so angry, my questions was, "well now what do I pray for"?
I'm afraid to pray... the very thing I prayed not to happen... happened, ugh!
But as my senses start to come back to me I am reminded that
God did not promise a trouble-free life here on earth,
but He promises to be with us through our heartache.
He is right beside us, reminding us that He loves us and will never leave us, and I know
most of all he loves Carson.

For several months I was afraid to pray for my grand babies,
or to ask God for much of any thing, but over time I have changed my tune.
Something changed as the Holy Spirit began to patch my grandma heart. I now speak prayers of thanksgiving more so than prayers of "here's what you can do God"

As I've learned more about the awful effects that Type1 Diabetes can have on the
  human body, I now thank God that Carson ONLY has Diabetes,
sounds weird I know, but I am thankful that is all he has...
Type1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease that is sometimes accompanied by many other illnesses such as thyroid & Celiacs disease. We won't even talk about the havoc this disease can have on the major organs the body, ugh. Instead I thank the Lord that we have Carson, he is my hero!
He is such an amazing little boy that is happy and thriving!
But on that note, it remains a scary thing for him and that's a hard thing to see.
He doesn't like it, he knows he has it, but he's barely 5 and easily distractible.
This little boy has had to endure pain from multiple pokes, feeling yucky from highs and lows and has legitimate worries about pumps things attached to him.
It's all very scary, especially for a little one!
His mamma, changing pump settings on a particularly "low day".
Despite Type 1 diabetes, and all that goes with it....
 Carson is a perfect boy in every way!

He is blessed to have a sweet momma and daddy to reassured him, care for him and face this heartache head on. This is a relentless disease but Chris and Brie are diligent in doing what is best for Carson and I love them for that.  I am thankful for Caron's family, he has the best mom, dad and sister, and we feel blessed to live close enough to be part of this little guys life. Rick and I are grateful that Brianna & Chris trust us to keep him with us for hours at a time. We are reading and learning about Type 1 diabetes, there's a lot to know and try and understand.
We are on our 2nd book, Think like a Pancreas by Gary Scheiner who is a Type1 diabetic himself.

This last year has been a rollercoaster for sure...just ask Carson and his parents!
Never in my life did I think I would have to ever poke my grandbabies fingers to get blood to check his glucose level, but he makes it easier when he says, "It didn't even hurt Grandma".
He is so brave, and so strong and so wonderful,
Carson is our hero, and I will never stop praying for
God's grace and peace over this sweet boy and his family.

 I thank God daily for His patience with me as I still try to make sense of all this.
When I start to tumble, and that audible sob slips from the back of my throat, I let it come, but only for a moment as I quickly direct my thoughts to my stronghold and feel His peace again...
It's then that I'm reminded of His love and promises,
Thank you Lord for this beautiful gift, our amazing grandson,
Sweet Carson!
God will do great things with this little boy,
 "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him"
Romans 8:28
So thankful for this little guy and all that he is teaching me through it all.

God is good in all Days!
He is the Lord of misery and the Lord of celebration, and He uses both to accomplish His will.
In all eternity this life is but a split second, but if even for a second,
I thank God for all that He is and all that He has done and will continue to do for us.
Dear Lord, help me to trust you until the time when I can see from your perspective.

God is good....all the time.


  1. Great lesson(s) for us all. Thank you for daring to share. Gentle hugs, with prayer, being sent your way......................

    1. Thanks Doreen. I appreciate your kind words :)

  2. Jackie, this is one heart-wrenching and faith-filled post that speaks to the power of God and the love of a family. You are one strong Grandma and woman of faith. And Carson and his parents and dear sister are likewise.

    Still, my heart aches for all you've endured. It's OK to cry, to have your moments because at your heart and soul, you trust, you believe, you love.

    I pray every day for your sweet grandson. This is not something any of you expected or asked for and it is not easy. But surely God is with you, walking you through these days. You quoted my absolute favorite scripture, Romans 8:28. It comforts in times like these...

    Peace, love and grace, my friend.

    1. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words Audrey, you are such a dear friend!

    2. I feel the same about you, sweet Jackie.

  3. I am so sorry Jackie. I can understand such a heartache, for I don't have 5 of my grandchildren at all. I haven't seen them for years, I don't even know what they look like anymore. Prayer, apologies, and trying to learn all I can to solve this issue hasn't changed it. I can't solve it. I don't know why, and have settled with the idea that I never will. I try not to ask God anymore. He knows all and I let go and let him lead, although Satan continues to try and break me. God has given me peace, love and forgiveness of myself and others. This is wonderful. He has given me a new family, and I love them beyond measure, but I will never live without the ache for my children and grandchildren. Daily I read my bible and there is such strength for me there. Carson will grow to be an amazingly strong man for all he has had to endure. He is very blessed to have a family such as yours. Many do not. Keep looking up, God will give all of you strength through this. I can't imagine it will get easier. God holds Carson tightly in his arms. Love you Jackie. Please continue to share and touch our lives. Deb

    1. I know you have had deep deep heartache with your kids and grands, I'm sad you have had to endure this! I"m also glad you found Charlie and a new family to love :) I'll never forget the story you told us ladies about the first time you met Charlie.... I guess he made a great impression :)
      Thanks for sharing your heart and for the encouraging words to me! Miss you!

    2. So sorry for your pain Deb, I can't even imagine.

  4. Thanks for your thoughtful post Mama. My heart echos yours and has wrestled through the same things. It's been a hard year for all of us, thank you for doing it with us. I know your grief is so very present as well. I wish I could spare you of it, but at the same time it is humbling to know you love Carson so much that of course you feel the way you feel. I'll never forgot how sad you were a year ago and also how hard it was for you to not be with us all the time and to just have to sit and hope things were ok. And how hard it was for you to leave town. You are so brave and strong. Not a day goes by that I am not grateful for you and Dad as our support and our team. Thank you for loving us like you do and for trudging through this with us. And for having to correct lows and check sugars every time you watch him. Love you so much.

    1. Love you sweet girl! I admire your strength and perseverance as a momma of a type1 diabetic, but mostly how you love your babies! You are amazing,!